Happy Noodle Boy for the Masses
by SomeKindofIdiot
Summary: Something completely unrelated to anything. It's Happy Noodle Boy for the Masses.


This is a little something that's been clinging to my mind lately. Like a dripping leech of thought and concentration it clung to my conciousness. And now I'm passing it along to you. I hope you find it just as nasty and sticky.

Do I really need a disclaimer? If I was a certain cartoonist, do you _really _think I'd be stupid enough to spend time writing this only to publish it somewhere that doesn't pay me for my effort? Gods I'm tired...

* * *

WARNING: The following meaningless piece of crap may cause you to temporarily lose your mind, inducing violent hallucinations and possibly other even more horrible things, like…. oh, oh gods no. No! Why! WHY! Aaaarrgh! DON"T COME NEAR ME YOU MONKEY RAPISTS! AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE! 

Happy Noodle Boy is walking around.

Random people are passing by, giving him weird looks as he yells.

A group of highly deformed kids snicker at him, and the creepy noodle thing whirls, eyes narrowing dangerously.

The kids gasp in horror as his mouth slowly opens, inching wider in terrible, theatrical suspense until finally…

"WHY are you digging for gold in my onion patch, you meddling kids!"

The children groan, not quite intelligent enough to appreciate how anticlimactic that was. The fattest child steps forward, opening his hideous mouth to spew,

"Leave us alone, you crazy person."

However, the poorly drawn stickman is not to be deterred.

"Back off meat-masher! I've got a soda can, you licker of whiteboard markers!"

He screeches, leaping upon the poor child's enormous face.

The rest of the disturbingly ugly children scatter, making puny animal noises of TERROR at the fate that has befallen their smelly comrade.

Happy Noodle Boy stands proudly over a puddle of goo, which has taken the place of the fat child. He lets out a long warble of triumph, and snarls at the remains of the child.

"Yes! YES! Join your worm brethren, lumpy fat thingies! You shall trouble this general vicinity no longer! Be amazed by my spooky teeth-like chewing powers! I'm not a doctor; fill my receptacles with your jellied goodness, for the mail-man demands that it should be so!"

Because the puddle of goo does not respond, Happy Noodle Boy becomes bored and strolls off to his park, where many people are standing around for no apparent reason. Positioning his all-too-thin and scribbly body upon the customary upturned box, he begins his rant.

"Beautiful anthrax munchers of hate! Your time has come!

Rise from the plunky depths of syrup to confront your ever widening waistlines! I have no toenails! Battle the divergence of your eyelashes with new plasti-powder, now in three exciting artificial flavors! You're in the wrong place for a car wash! My homeslices be baking pie for you at this moment! Get me some anesthetic! This man needs a lobotomy! Tumors are what happens when your flesh turns against its bicycle! There's no escape for you now, the public sanitation workers are coming to mow your faces with a plastic storage receptacle! The remaining marbles have been deposited individually; do not suppose to lift them from their mangy dirt-faced piles!"

Happy Noodle Boy suddenly pauses in his violent word-vomit spree, for lo, one of the many traumatized people of the park is staring at him. At HIM. Just look at that man. Look at him and his staring face!

Happy Noodle Boy squints at the man, trying to decide exactly how much staring is too much. But lookit! Oh, how he staaares…

So of course, Happy Noodle Boy jumps in to correct this erroneous behavior.

"Oh smurf, you fucking blue thing! Where have you hidden the free prize in every package! WAFFLES! Your face disturbs my eye lobes! I'm in need of assistance; my arm seems to be lodged in this cow's ass! Beat it to your back; your head's not hollow enough to fill with nails! Adjust your leg wraps accordingly and bake to 36000 degrees! There is no victory for you today Negawink! Go find your own mushrooms, or I'll be forced to take your order down town!"

The staring man blinks, taken aback by the new outburst, mainly directed at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you!"

Happy Noodle Boy's response is, of course, extremely coherent.

"GASP! The president man of the fuckin' A.A.A.A.! Bite his fingernails! "

So saying, Happy Noodle Boy pulls an extremely large muffin from somewhere on his horribly malformed stick-body and chucks it at Staring Man.

Staring Man blinks as the muffin bounces off his forehead.

"What did you do that for? That was a perfectly good muffin, you muffin-wasting type person."

Happy Noodle Boy glares menacingly at staring man. Clearly he does not understand the gravity of the situation.

"There is nothing you can do against the might of ear wax, fiend of the moon-man! You DARE to question ME with your fallen ass pops! You better have enough for the whole class! There's nothing worse than a wasted flagella! Jeezus loves to partay at the disco! Git down mah soul bruddahs! He said he likes you but is it like or like like! One time I made some brownies, and they were pretty good! Most cereal is made from cardboard and recycled pencils! Damn it all, I want some tea and crumpets! "

Unable to comprehend what is going on, Staring Man attempts to use his not-so-great powers of spooky understanding to find out what exactly Happy Noodle Boy tried to say.

It does not work.

"Nnnneeeerrggh! Uuuuurrrgggghhhhhh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Staring Man explodes from confusion build-up, causing the occupants of the park to scream in horror.

With the exception of Happy Noodle Boy of course, who punches the air in triumph, turning back to his audience of lump people and screaming.

"Beware the awesome power of my super yogurt spoons! Do not appease the cheese monkeys!  
I desire bowling balls, sir! What do you mean the ice is glowing! You are fat my man. Do you not wish to pimp the chickens? Fight back against those who would suppress your bacterial odors! I do believe in fairies! I DO! I DO! We're not finished yet, Steven! I bet you never thought of Billy through all of this and gawd that woman's breasts are enormous! Loss of feeling in your toes is a sign that the world is at an end! Sing with me friends! La LAAAA! Beat that, Spanky!This porridge is too cold you mediocre excuse for fly bait! "

Suddenly, without warning, a child of amazing cuteness skips into the park of DOOM. This child is so cute, it causes flowers and trees and the sun to gain those strangely disturbing smiley faces they often wear when something extremely… extreme is happening. It causes squirrels and birds and other small, rabid animals to start dancing and singing in a perfectly synchronized manner. It causes the screaming, panicking people of the park to calm to a giant mass of drooling people-things as it skips by, licking a dangerously large lolly-pop. This is appropriate for how cute it was. Oh so sickeningly cute, what with sparkly eyes and tiny hands and that little baby expression and-

…Ahem, anyway, The Extremely Cute Child makes its way toward the center of the park, where our hero stands, oblivious to the terrible hypnotic power that is its cuteness. The Cute Child pauses when it sees our emaciated friend, staring innocently up at the horrible smelly Noodle thing with its large, shiny eyes.

…

Oh it's just so darn CUTE!

Happy Noodle Boy pauses to consider the Cute Child. But only for a second.

" Behold! The bearer of paper sandwiches has come! Give homage to these ankles puny mosquito spawn, your tongues can only dream of such elasticity! Fuck! You know I'm allergic to turnips, George! Now how am I supposed to remove 99.9 of the waitress!

Suddenly a rather large monkey appears and beats Noodle Boy with a plastic super hippo model.

The cute child watches, awed by the sheer randomness that is occurring right before its large and shiny eyes. The poor stick creature is stomped and beaten into the ground by the raging money and it's hippo, until a passing maniac saved the day by screeching "HOT DAMN I sure do LOVE PO-tay-TOES!" Causing the monkey to lose interest and launch itself into the atmosphere using said maniac's head juices for propulsion.

The spooky noodle thing lies on the ground, silent for the moment as he stares up at nothing in particular. Several people gather around the motionless noodle, blinking at the amazing silence. Finally unable to resist the temptation, one of the lump-like people things pokes Happy Noodle Boy rather violently in the eye.

Oh what a horrible mistake.

"I cannot dance you goblin licking poodle molesters! I am lord of greeting cards! Get down upon those pencil shavings and present me with your vomit! Your mother is so fat the toaster isn't made from glue! Vast amounts of oatmeal could not assuage my desire for you nasal wart's spork-like qualities! Your wig is obviously diseased madam; its imminent dissolution can only be stopped by SHOVING IT UP YOUR ASS!

All of the people surrounding the stickman pull out a variety of badly-drawn guns, and blast Happy Noodle Boy into an unrecognizable pulp.

The cute child stands nearby, splattered in gore. It stares aimlessly into space, then licks it's lollypop.

The end.

* * *

By God that was stupid. 

Still, I hope you got a little more enjoyment out of it than I did. I never liked Happy Noodle Boy much, except in the middle of the night when I'm reading it by the glow of my computer screen and my brain feels so numb it doesn't recognize real humor. Oh well.

Lovers of randomness rejoice. And reveiw.


End file.
